When we went to pick the girls out of their beds in the morning, we found Annabelle in her sissy's bed. Mady was happy to begin our trip, but Annabelle was disoriented. She repeatedly asked what were doing, I finally broke my silence "Annabelle hunny, we are going to Cincinnati, remember?" That began the heartbreaking meltdown, at the top of the stairs beside her bedroom she moved into panic mode and proceeded to beg not to leave, to stay home, not to get in the car and go to Cincinnati. She was too disoriented to explain anything and she was too irrationally panicking to even try. I walked away and let her calm down on her own. If tough times like these, where there really is no compromise, the only option we have is to be matter-of-fact about it. No matter what, we were leaving, i just wanted to make it as painless as possible.
We made it out the door on time and before we even made it to the interstate, the girls were in complete travel - vacation - roadtrip mode. They wanted a movie, the blankets, entertainment and snacks right away. By the time we made it to West Virginia, the sun still was not up, we had already watched Despicable Me and Finding Nemo and we were just surviving our second meltdown/plea of the morning to turn the car around and go back home.
After we talked Annabelle down from her THIRD hysterical crying to not go to Cincinnati, her nurse messaged me and we agreed it would be good for her to talk to Annabelle. Annabelle and her nurse have a bond like none other, and she was just what Annabelle needed. Their conversations are priceless and adorable, the way they love each other is nothing less than god sent.
We stopped in Olive Hill, Kentucky at Carter Mountain State Park to tour the Carter Caves. It was a 2-hour tour and fortunately, the kids loved it. . . well, mostly Madelynne. Annabelle had a tough time walking and staying on her feet. She has complained of her legs and joints being sore a LOT lately, walking a cave wasn't her cup of tea, so she was held for the most of the tour.
Back on the road from the short stop, Annabelle asked again, "Where are we going mommy?" (She asks every time, almost as if she doesnt know, or shes waiting for a different response). I told her "Sweetheart, we are going to Cincinnati Ohio, We are going to make it a fun trip for the whole family but we are also seeing your fantastic doctors that are helping your boo-boos." Cue the next panic attach in the backseat. I asked her what she was worried about, and her concerns are relevant and valid, she is scared because the doctors always hurt her, she doesn't like hospitals and the smell, they take her from me and the doctors won't let her eat what she wants.. in her words "Doctors dont help me mommy, they HURT me! PLEASE dont make me go, PLEASEEEE MOMMY, PLEASEEEE DADDY!" Half of Annabelle's concerns are appropriate and I can address, I dont want her to have these fears in her mind and not be able to tell me about them. But I also feel terrible when she expresses them but I don't do anything to help her. The other half of Annabelle's concerns, are just too far beyond her comprehension for a 4yr old - and my response to her is matter of fact. Our conversations have been very long lately with Annabelle and what doctors will do and why. We are struggling as parents to explain to her on a level she understands, why we do these things. The best way I know how to approach the topic is to not ignore it, answer the best I can and offer the positives vs leaving her little mind with such negative facts. Will it hurt? Yes, it will hurt, but we will there and I bet the nurse will let her help pick a good place for the IV - if she wants, 'we can play on the tablet while they do the pokes, which games will you want to play?' Will we see a lot of doctors and spent a lot of time in the hospital? Yes, we will be at the hospital every day, but the sooner we let the doctors talk to mommy and daddy and do what they need with Annabelle, the sooner we can go do fun things like the zoo and movies together with sissy!
Annabelle is filling herself with more fear and anxiety lately than I have ever seen her do before. This is getting harder and harder the older she gets! I thought when she was younger, it was the worst because I couldn't tell her what was happening and she couldn't tell me what hurt. But now I am finding, this side is just as hard! I find myself nervous and studdering when forced to answer her questions. I dont want to talk about it! I dont want to tell her and say the words that make me cringe over what theyre going to do to her! But she knows. She lives it. Shes been thru this more times than I can count on my fingers and toes. I hate all of it. For Annabelle. For my husband to watch, listen, endure, console his girls. I hate it for Madelynne because she's been forced to grow up and watch her sissy suffer. I hate this for our family, a trip to Cincinnati for surgery, 8 appointments and 3 procedures is what our 'family vacation' has become. I hate this for myself, because I don't know how to be the best mommy always wanted to be for my girls. This disease and all its circumstances are robbing our family from so much. During days like today, it's hard to find the silver lining in life curve balls. It's hard to see "God's work" when there is a panicking 4 year old, understandably nervous and pleading for her parents not to take her to a hospital to be tortured, while her sister listens beside her, with her head down and tear filled eyes. It's hard to see God's plan ... it hurts.. it sucks. Today sucks.
Thank you for your openness and being able to say...this sucks! I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like for you. I'm going to keep doing the only thing I can...pray!
ReplyDelete