Thank you for our "Merry Christmas"

Our church service this past Sunday was especially touching. We haven't made it to church the last few weeks as much as we would have liked. If I am being especially honest, the closer I am becoming to faith, the harder it is to comprehend and feel. I cry every Sunday. It starts the moment I walk in and take my seat. The music begins and tears fall. The message, no matter how personal it may be, always resonates with me and pulls my heart strings to a point there is no stopping the tears. It's an uncomfortable sense of relief to attend church on Sundays and feel the love God has for us, to a level that even the presence, music and songs, everything, shout a message to you that brings you to tears. Our family has suffered struggle this past year, and more over the past few months ... to the point it just seems that church isn't where I wanted to find my escape and relief from it all.


This past Sunday though, delivered a message that we needed to hear and grounded us all over again. It reminded us that regardless how we are coping with the holidays, that we are not alone and church isn't the thing to push away. The message that I walked away with was simple, "Not everyone has a 'Merry' in their Merry Christmas". Some may have a 'Sad' Christmas, 'Hard' Christmas, 'Lonely' Christmas.. and while the holidays are happy, celebratory times for most, remain mindful that isn't the case for everyone. It's hasn't been the case for our family every year. Two years ago, I was so heartbroken over what Christmas was for Annabelle that I took down every single Christmas decoration the evening on Christmas Day and packed it all up and didn't want to ever see it again.


We are in a better place this Christmas than we have been in the past, but those feelings of pain, sorrow and sadness still linger and remind me of years past. We have more 'Merry' in our Christmas than ever before and it's a wonderful feeling. But to measure the amount of excitement and joy we have, also comes with recognizing where we have come..


Each year as I pack away Christmas decorations, it becomes symbolic - I think of where we will be next year when I open all these decorations, or light the tree or hang the stockings. I think about where our family was last year when the stockings were hung and our home flickered with lights. Every single year I say a prayer of wishes for myself and my family, that next year we are blessed just as much as we were this past year - but please, please help us to have gained answers by this time next year for Annabelle. Every Christmas season, I hope to open those red and green boxes and reflect back "last year we were scared and helpless - this year we have all the answers we need! Boy how far we have come, what a wonderful year it was!" ..... we still aren't there, but we are closer. I believe this year was the first time I felt accomplished in our stride to getting answers for Annabelle. So much has happened in 2015 that it would be impossible to feel like it was another year wasted and just buying time. Therefor, this Christmas is being celebrated as big as we can with one another!


If I told you how big our hearts are this season, you wouldn't believe us. This will be the first year Annabelle can truly enjoy Christmas. Until now, all her Christmas's have consisted of laying in her own bed while we open gifts - laying on the floor in our laps because she cannot keep her head up or crashing the moment gift opening is done and being in so much pain she cannot enjoy the rest of her day. She doesn't remember Christmas, she doesn't know the fun it will bring but she has seen movies and we talk about it daily - so she's excited. And our hearts are bursting with love and excitement for her!!


We are making Christmas cookies (even though she cannot eat them), we are decorating trees, hanging lights and making Christmas cards for friends. We are smothering ourselves in the Christmas spirit and loving it. We hope you are too. From our family to yours, no matter what you are going thru.. the heartbreak, suffering, loneliness, pain, joy, excitement, relief.. our family wishes you a bit of Merry to add to your Christmas. We wish you peace, love and joy - even if it's hard to find. We thank you for giving us all those things. This Christmas, our family thanks YOU for giving us the Peace, Love and Joy we have prayed for.. all the years of hoping our answers would come, all the years crying on Christmas night because our baby is suffering, every year packing decorations and hoping the next year is better - we thank YOU for your prayers for our baby girl and for making this Christmas season as bright as it can be. We hope you can enjoy yours the same. Amen.

Home from Ohio

It’s that time of the year again.. the time where you dig just a bit deeper to find the joy and blessings in things that surround you. We are blessed, beyond belief, our family has been blessed by the love and miracles we have seen this year in Annabelle. However, below that joy and excitement, is an underlying reality – that we still struggle. We still cannot manage pain. Annabelle still cannot be a normal little girl and we still don’t have answers.

Last week, the day after we got home from Cincinnati, our family was in pieces. The girls were struggling to adjust back to home and routines. The house was a mess from unpacking. Above all, our family was mourning the loss of a very very loved family member. We came home last week broken from the news we received in Ohio, the news we received about our uncle and the disarray of everything in between. We were moving 100mph with no slowing down in sight.. and then the clock struck 6:30pm on a Sunday night when all I wanted was to crawl in pajamas and go to sleep.. we had an obligation at a nearby church. A neighbor was hosting a concert at the church for Annabelle. We were all so tired, but we put on our winter jackets and pushed our way out the door.

They met us in the foyer of the church and escorted us towards the chapel. Annabelle was hesitant for why we were there (this church is also her preschool during the weekdays). The moment we turned the corner into the chapel, I looked up and saw my baby girl on the massive projector… it streamed pictures of Annabelle and her journey. As quickly as each picture would display, I would remember every moment from when that picture was taken – the cries, the laughter, the worry and fears, the weather outside that day.. the outfit she was wearing. I couldn’t breathe, it was as if the air was taken directly from my lungs as we slowly walked down the aisle of the church and everyone turned in their seats to watch us enter. The last time I felt that way was on my wedding day.. walking down the aisle as everyone watched with a smile, only this time, we walked down a aisle and floods of people assessed our every move. They watched intently at Annabelle, immediately noticed her face mask I am sure, they watched as I carried her down the aisle and AKs hand held my shoulder. Mady was happy to walk ahead of our little family and she choose where we would sit. I sat down and still couldn’t breathe.

Our friend, neighbor, opened the ceremony with a  testament of our family and how much we have made an impact on his. He spoke on when he first heard about us.. and by heard, I mean he HEARD a stampede of motorcycles cruising past his house, the Guilty Ones, to come visit Annabelle. He and his wife came to Answers for Annabelle, they brought her the biggest fun butterfly balloon and made the event and our return home from the trip, so very special for Annabelle and our family. They haven't let us go though, they continue to shine light into our family just as we try to do for theirs. Hearing his words though, rang so deep into my soul that the tears were impossible to stop from falling. 95% of the time, I am the one speaking about our family and journey, I am the one that is forced to explain how things are progressing, our history, our challenges and hurdles - but this evening, he did it for me. He did so in a way that shined light on our entire blessing that Annabelle has given us... and then they played. Oh boy did they play music. Every single song was picked directly from my heart, I know it was, every song was perfect and meant something else to our family. The girls flipped thru magazine pages, they clapped their hands. Not long after beginning, Annabelle had to lay down because she wasn't feeling well. She cried and pleaded to go home - but she hung in there. On even her weakest days, she is strong.