Begin our hospital commute. It's surgery day

The anticipation before a procedure day always eats me alive, yesterday was no different. Fortunately this time I kept myself insanely busy and distracted with work and couldn't be more grateful for the distraction. As always, there are so many phone calls and confirmations before surgery, and in Annabelle's case it also involves speaking with floods of dieticians that don't quite get her allergies and dietary restrictions. They also don't carry her formula in stock, so that responsibility stays on me to supply our own while we're in the hospital. Our worries were shifted abruptly Monday when we learned our abnormal labs came back. I will explain those in another post, the details are so very scattered and juggled between an array of doctors right now that trying to explain their meaning would be like typing Chinese... Which is coincidental since it's actually a doctor in China that is being consulted on the case :) anywho, keep the prayers generated there for answers soon and I will explain later.

Madelynne left last night for a sleepover with her grandma, we needed to be at the hospital at 630a and leaving our house in showing condition for another prospect buyer to purchase our home.. So having less people in the house at 6am this morning was best. Annabelle was as sweet as can be yesterday. We had a lot of packing and things to do so ak and I stayed busy, Belle took a fun bath that drenched the bathroom floors and fell asleep within seconds of her sweet head hitting the pillow at 7:15p. I wondered around the house with a nervous stomach and finally couldn't be away from her any longer.. I curled next to her in her bed, on the bottom bunk between Lambie and the wall and watched my baby girl breathe, twitch around and dream.

One thing that I didn't realize would hurt so much, is seeing her perfect, undamaged, soft little belly. I love her soft skin, I love how warm and smooth it is, I mostly love that on the surface, she looks so amazingly normal and that gives me a sense of hope when I can believe on the inside she is equally as beautiful and not flawed. This morning I will hand my daughter over to a surgeon once again, and her body will forever be changed. Never again will we be able to see her sweet little belly without a tube, or maybe even one day left with the scar that marks this journey that life is taking her thru. It hurts worse than I considered. It's a tangible marker that I will not be able to look past, it's a permanent scar and she is only two years old. Lord help me the day she's trying on bikinis with her friends at 13 and melting down at her body's imperfections. I hope she owns this tube, I hope she is young and resilient enough that she takes pride and confidence as she grows and lives this life she was dealt. Is it the end of the world? Absolutely not. But as a mother, this life is anything you want for your baby. When you learn you're bringing a child into this world, you say "as long as they're healthy", that has never been a more honest statement. I want so much more for my daughter..  I love looking thru her eyes and she knows no different. That humbles me and breaks me at the same time. 

Annabelle somehow escaped from her room this morning at 4am. She joined us in our bedroom dragging her pillow behind and climbed in the bed, "mommy, daddy, oh hi! Mouse, please?" Who doesn't smile at that? I'm so happy she woke early this morning,  we all needed the hour early snuggle to love her in the dark quiet of our home before what this day will bring.

We're a mile from the hospital. Annabelle is snoozing in her carseat and 93.1 is playing every heartbreaking song. I'm wearing my superwoman underwear, Annabelle is wearing her Super Tubie shirt and AK is breathing deep to prepare himself to care for us all. Prayers for us today, please. Prayers for skilled doctors, safe anesthesia, smooth procedures and little pain in recovery. Prayers for a successful Nissen, prayers the surgeon finds no further damage and concerns with her bowels. Prayers for a perfect button placement and new tubie. Prayers for patience and floods of love to carry us today. 

This article was sent to me the other day and I couldn't agree more with the writer. It's an amazing article and very honest. I wish I had read this before I discovered it's truth on my own. 

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4350876