Today we're Thankful

Everyday we are thankful.

But today, on Thanksgiving, I am heartbroken. It's one of the most incredibly torn places to be. I am grateful and blessed to have both my daughters with me on this holiday, but I struggle saying grace at the table when I look at all the food in front of me and a flood of unanswered questions in my head.

For Thanksgiving this year, I made sure Annabelle had her own filled plate of safe foods that traveled with us. AK packed her meals and spent 30min in the kitchen assembling her make-shift plate while rapidly blinking at the ceiling and fighting tears back with a smile. I couldn't say anything to him, because I knew what the both of us were feeling. Thanksgiving begins the kickoff of holidays, surrounded by food and joyfulness in the air. The season to be grateful for all we have, when really, this year has taken our family thru a silent hell and we are still a long ways from recovery. We are trying, with every painted smile we wear, to be happy in front of our children, friends and family. When the day is over and the house is silent, we fall silent too.. When such an intense roller coaster has taken over your life in the way Annabelle's Journey has taken over ours, it's hard to accept and believe that the ride is over. I think we're too nervous and terrified that we are on the cusp of the next wave. I pray with everything I have that we're not, but I am cautious enough, and have gotten my heart broken too many times to not invest all my energy into that basket of hope. It always fails me. AK and I are there.. on the fine line between faking happiness and completely petrified of the future.

We can't tell months, weeks, or seasons from the next.. I just know that the decor in our home is changing to keep up with what the calendar represents. Maintaining normalcy the best way we can for our children are all that keep us lifted and moving forward. They make wearing a smile easier than doing it ourselves, they keep us laughing more often than ever lately. Life in our home has slowed down... we spend an incredible amount of time at home, doing a lot of nothing and lounging around in comfy clothes with warm blankets. We find ourselves pulling out new toys & board games more often than ever before and taking naps with the kids at random times of the day. I enjoy these moments. The girls enjoy them. It's what the season is about, but it's also what life is about. I realized not long ago that this past year has flown by so quickly, I have hardly taken any pictures of the girls, I didn't know Madelynne could spell and write her 9-letter name on her own.. we've just been moving at such an insanely fast speed that we're forgetting to slow down. Looking back, I truly don't have a clue where I could shave out the time to do so, life has mandated we move at this pace, hospitals and doctors and Annabelle's constant changing condition has mandated we not slow down.. let alone sleep, but it's happened. Life has flown by and we've finally gotten the opportunity to breathe. Breathing is something new and terrifying for our family, we're all getting to know one another again, learn new schedules and make new memories. Many things have always stayed the same, we've always said grace around the table, holding hands each night, we always say our prayers and we try our hardest to keep each other informed on what's next on the calendar and praise one another for accomplishments when they come around.

So this year in our home, we are grateful. We are thankful and we are blessed. Because we've made it. Annabelle enjoyed food on her plate at the table, despite her tubey bag and pump hanging beside her. Madelynne enjoyed her favorite, cranberry sauce with extra ham biscuits, while sitting beside me and showing me everything she wants in the sales magazines. My mother-in-law and I got to spend time together shopping for the girls all evening and AK and I went shopping along while the girls enjoying quality time with my mom for the day. There was a lot of bonding time all around with family and friends this Thanksgiving. We focused much less on the food and much more on the quality of time we have with one another and for that, we have learned just how blessed our family truly is. We are blessed, never ever have we doubted our blessings for a second, we are grateful and humble this year. We have made it this far and we will only continue to thrive thru the rest of 2013. We have road blocks ahead, but only hope and promise for the future.