More Pain, Fevers have begun again and ..Blood.

Here we go again.

Belle is indeed heading back downhill. The few weeks of stability were nice, they weren’t roses and sunshine but they were closer to great times than we have gotten in a long while. The last couple days, as I have mentioned, Belle has struggled with pain, sleepless nights, shivering etc. Yesterday she continued the vomiting but her temperature also started moving rapidly again. This time it stayed high but continued to spike and drop. All the while her temperature was moving and she was getting cleaned from the vomit – she couldn’t stop shivering. It took quite a while before the shaking would subside and temperature would slow. She gave up around 2p from sheer exhaustion and didn’t wake up until 730pm. When she woke up, she was a bit more monotone than her usual self and extremely pale. She enjoyed playing around though and enjoyed a few apple snacks. While we were cleaning dinner, Annabelle managed to sneak a bite of a turkey burger.. I caught it quickly after she put it in her mouth but it was a struggle to get her to spit it all back out. I wasn’t overly panicked, I mean really, what can I do once it’s happened? At least it wasn’t beef (that she’s highly allergic to!). We try very hard to watch her like a hawk.. but a sneaky child that is almost 2yo, it’s almost an impossible mission. She has gotten a hold of something she shouldn’t have, maybe twice in almost 6 months.. I’m thinking that’s pretty impressive, at least I would like to tell myself that.

Annabelle went to bed without a fight around 845p and slept most the entire night. She woke up this morning however, hysterical. She was hitting herself so badly it terrified me. Her tears wouldn’t stop falling and she could hardly catch her breath from whatever was hurting her :’( AK is working so much lately and he wasn’t home. This morning was the first time that I truly felt like I didn’t have control and I started to panic. Her pain was more intense than I have ever seen.. and it wouldn’t stop. I held my phone for several minutes waiting to hit the final ‘1’ of 911 for help. Finally.. she slowed down. It was 6am and I was standing outside on our back porch, it took her breath away and she exhaled. I don’t know what it is about my kids and the outdoors.. but that seems to do the trick sometimes when nothing else will help. I brought her shaking little body back inside as I held her as tightly to my chest as I could. I had both of us wrapped in my robe from being outside and she clung to me like a monkey with her head on my bare chest, moaning. She wasn’t interested in a cup, juice or snack, she wouldn’t let me sit down, let alone go into either of our bedrooms – so we just walked. I walked with the side to side sway, one arm under her butt and another holding her head close to me and we started making our usual laps around the house. At times she would lash out and cry, and then she would soothe herself back to a moaning whimper. Finally after almost an hour, I managed to get her to lay down in the bed tightly next to me and we watched Doc McStuffins.. then Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.. Mady joined us in the bed… and then the Dog. I laid there far too long with all my girls and prayed and prayed and prayed, this episode would never plague my daughter again – in her lifetime! I didn’t know what had happened, all I knew is that she was hurt and we were both equally terrified and couldn’t help one another. I never want to live that again.

I got myself ready as both girls (well, dog included, all three girls) laid in my bed. Annabelle started pulling at her clothes again so I took her upstairs to change her diaper. Blood. That explains a lot. I'm confident this is why she was in so much pain this morning. I don’t know exactly where the blood is coming from this time.. I can’t imagine it’s already from the small bite of Turkey burger last night, but I wouldn’t be surprised. I don’t know if this is something that has been manifesting over the last several days and the culprit to the pain.. and it’s just now presenting itself. I just can’t be sure.

The doctors are informed. I called them yesterday afternoon after the temperature fluctuations, vomiting and persisting shivers. And I left another message this morning regarding the mornings chaos and blood.

I am so scared because I have no idea what this means. The last time Annabelle started going downhill like this, it continued to escalate until it finally hit a plateau. I don’t want my baby girl to decline anymore than she already has – I fear what the next step of downhill could mean to her. I was terrified a few weeks ago and was able to breathe finally the last two weeks… now my heart is in my stomach and throat, and beating 548531564mph. I consciously have to remind myself several times a minute, “Ashley.. breathe, exhale..” because I continue to forget. I keep holding my breathe. I can’t sit in my chair and relax, I am sitting so high, I keep staring at walls with the eyes the size of quarters and an expressionless face and forget to blink. I feel like I am walking in the thickest fog.. and while I am terrified of this walk, I am also terrified of what happens when the fog is gone.  I have so much anxiety about the next minute that it’s eating me alive. Lord help my little girl, she needs prayers and answers. 

I am scared to death.