Walking in a daze, so much is anticipated for tomorrow.

I'm so numb and disoriented I can't think straight. I am literally walking in a daze and cannot fumble the words to speak even when I am spoken too. Maybe I am tired.. I feel like I am in shock. The only feeling that I do have is in my chest, and it's nauseating. 

Today was hard on Annabelle. Her days this week seem to be taking her downhill. She is wearing down faster and faster. I hate to even consider the thought, but I would be lying if I didn't say in the back of my mind I keep questioning,  "is she giving up?". I want to hold her so close and beg her, "Not yet baby girl.. we're getting close.. I swear, mommy is preparing to fight full steam ahead!"

Annabelle struggled this morning with the sitter than she has any day this week. For over an hour Annabelle sat in the floor staring at the wall / towards the television. A house with three other loud, playful toddlers, she wouldn't play. She wouldn't speak, she would laugh, cry, eat or drink. She just stared. The sitter considered, 'maybe she's just REALLY into the show that's on TV?' so she turned it off... Annabelle stared at the black TV screen, she wasn't phased. She wouldn't play. She just sat. 

This is how Annabelle's days are becoming. Longer and longer stretches of needing rest. More days of being disoriented and simply, 'not with us'. It looks a lot like she is sleepy... but there just isn't any way a child should sleep as much as this little girl is sleeping, and when not sleeping, she is resting and not moving. 

This evening was uneventful. There are 600 things that I've said I need to get done. I have a laundry list of responsibilities to tend to: Bills. Medical bills organized. Submit payroll for attendant that cares for Belle. Clean the house. Gather medical equipment for a friend with a sick baby that needs to borrow some things. Target, I really need to stop putting that one off.. CVS for another prescription. Annabelle and my own bags. And finally, most importantly,  I need to collect all the dates and high levels of issues we have had with belle so I am prepared fully for the appointment tomorrow. 

The only thing I've gotten accomplished is a clean house.

My bff came over with gifts to bring a smile to my face. Shes a blessing. I poured us both a glass of wine bc we need it before tomorrow.. and I couldnt drink it. My nerves are shot. The entire visit with my bff - I was in another world. Every time we spend time together, we talk non-stop 99% of the time. Tonight, I would recognize there was silence in the room but still didn't have the energy to initiate a conversation. I was lost in myself and my own thoughts.. fears.. worries.. wishes.. and heartache to even be part of what was happening in front of me.

Tonight is a hard night. I can't tell if I am on the edge of collapsing or just preparing myself; mind body and spirit over what's about to happen. I am so very clueless about what tomorrow night will look like for us. The only thing that i know for certain is that the waiting and playing by the rules game is over. I am fully prepared to lose my mind and march my daughter that's suffering wherever I need to get her the help she has deserved since this began. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new page... a new chapter of our lives. Annabelle is ready to close the last chapter and I don't blame her. Our entire family is ready for the happy ending of this story.

I'm laying in bed contemplating whether or not I pull myself together and organize for tomorrow or if I should just lay in the warmness of my bed and and allow myself to run away with my thoughts in silence. Its a really hard decision, sadly... I usually hide from the cold harsh reality that silent thinking brings. Thats why I love distractions. Tonight though, I don't want to move. I want to be sad, mad, angry, hurt, motivated, strong, rejuvenated, focused and determined.

Dear God. Please, I ask you to hear my and all Annabelle's praying family and friends prayers. I need your strength and guidance tomorrow. I need you to lead me towards the best path to help my daughter. I need clear vision that I see past my own personal opinions over the staff I will meet tomorrow and I see them for the knowledge and skills they have to offer. I need patience to make it thru the conversations I don't want to hear and I need strength to carry me thru the harsh realities of the words I also may not want to hear. Most of all God, I need that feeling of mother's intuition to beat and radiate heavier than it ever has before, so much that I will not be skewed by anyone else's impression of my daughter but I will remain focused and clear on her situation and my role as her mother and advocate to help her fight this battle. It is my promise and thru your work that I will fight for this baby girl. She is amazing. She is incredible. She is strong. She is funny. She is smart. And she is also very, very, very sick and very tired. 

She is trusting in her mommy to help her, I am the only person that can provide this little girl with the justice and painfree life she deserves. I am trusting in you to help me. You are the only one that can carry me thru this journey for her. I don't want to do it wrong. We don't have more time to waste. She needs help, now, fast. Please God, show me what to do. Continue to guide me and carry me. Continue to dress me in your strength and courage to face the darkest of days ahead of us. Bless our family. Wrap Madelynne in your love and remind her how much she is loved by all, even her mommy and daddy that cannot be with her when she too needs us.. because we are fighting for Belle. Make sure she knows and trusts just now much we love her. Share the same for Annabelle and also the love between her sissy. Protect our home, bless our family and hear all these prayers. 

Amen.