Monday, April 13, 2015

"Why did Jesus make me sick?"

Were a Christian family. Madelynne has been raised in a private Christian school since 2yo. We read our children's bible before bed each night and talk about its stories. We need faith in our lives, we need to trust someone bigger than here on earth and I want my girls to love and follow Jesus and his message.

Annabelle: "why did Jesus put the boo-boo's inside me and make me sick?"


The words I have feared for so long. The question I can't answer - the question I want to know the answer to!! 

Annabelle is becoming so wise and curious about the world around her. The only blessing from being sick all her life, is that she has grown to learn this is her normal. She doesn't know anything different from the pain, hospitals, doctors appointments and segregation from others. But she is beginning to recognize that she is different. She wants to go to school like her sissy but she blames her tubey for not being able to go. The tubes limit Annabelle to a lot of things - anything that can injure or snag the tube, she cannot do. When she's being fed and wearing a backpack, her limitations aren't as bad as I feared they would be. But they are still present. 

The invisible disease though is the worst of all. The invisible fears, thoughts, isolation is ruining our families heart and minds. 

Mady went thru a spell where she would tell us Jesus would visit her at night when she was scared, and tell her that he was taking care of her sissy. Mady and Annabelle shared a room during the times she was critically ill, she told us Angels stayed in the room all the time for Annabelle and that they're really nice. 

We are a Christian family, and thank goodness our children have something to carry them thru this journey - but it's hard. 

Me: did you have a lot of fun in church this morning Annabelle? 
A: yes! Jesus takes care of us and loves us!
Me: that's right, he is always watching over you and loving you. 
A: mommy, why did Jesus put the boo-boo's in my tummy?
Me: I don't know why you have boo-boos sweety, Jesus did not put them there to make you sick. 
A: yes he did. Jesus made me. I don't think he loves me. He loves other boys and girls. 



She was bubbly and content to have this conversation while we waited for daddy and Mady. She has no idea the impact of those words and how close they are to our fears for her. Everyday we learn to navigate this life, some days we just have more questions than others. We drove home in silence.


The weekend was spent with two girls that weren't feeling well. We missed a bridal shower and baby shower because of the girls - but we found grace in the sunshine. We spent so much time outside this weekend. We danced in the grass. The girls colored our driveway in sidewalk chalk. They laughed and played hide-n-seek. We enjoyed afternoon naps with the windows open. I watched Annabelle from a distance and found myself in absolute awe of her courage. I watched Mady protecting her sister and keeping close tabs on her when they would walk up steps. The music was on and dinner was on the grill. Our girls were laughing. Between the tears and frustrations when Annabelle's pain would worsen, they were laughing and playing.


"When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." -Psalms 94.19


While we do not have the answers for everything we wish we did, and while we cannot help alleviate our families worry... we always find the light, the hope and comfort - for our family, that comes in the sound of laughter in the backyard.

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